Top 10 Things To Expect From Inter - AC Milan

Carlo Garganese light-heartedly runs through 10 things to expect before, during and after this weekend’s big derby between Inter and Milan.

10) Jose Mourinho complains about Inter’s midfield injury crisis and next week’s Coppa Italia schedule, and demands that the Derby is postponed until April. After the game, Mourinho refuses to talk to the press if Inter lose.

9) For the first time in his career, Mario Balotelli is cheered by opposition fans due to the fact that he is a Milan fan.

8) Rumors circulate that Massimo Moratti paid Thursday's Ivory Coast referee not to send off Tunisia’s goalkeeper for his blatant handball outside the area on Samuel Eto'o's goal-bound shot, in the hope Cameroon would be eliminated from the ANC and the former Barcelona man could play in the derby.

7) Sky Sports England completely ignore the fact there is a match between Inter and Milan, and instead spend Sunday night brainwashing the nation about how Amir Khan’s next cherry-picked fight against some nobody for some meaningless belt is worth wasting £15 on.

6) A female streaker invades the pitch before half-time, approaches David Beckham and grabs his balls. Later, it’s revealed that this was the same person who grabbed him only a few days ago on Francesco Totti’s wife Ilary Blasi’s TV show. “E’ piccolo Beckham! It really is small,” she cries. “No it isn’t,” insists an insulted Marco Borriello. “It’s just -12 here in Milan at the moment.”

5) Mathieu Flamini scores with a handball and explains that's his only chance to get a place in the France squad in South Africa. Raymond Domenech reminds everyone that “no one who plays in Italy is allowed to represent France, especially those with Italian heritage. There’s a reason I don’t like the Mona Lisa!”

4) Marcello Lippi is captured jumping for joy after Flamini’s goal. After the game, Mourinho remarks that this was disrespectful of the coach of Italy, who should always be neutral. Lippi notes that he doesn’t consider Inter to be an Italian team because they have less Italians than West Ham.

3) Diego Milito is named man of the match and handed a check for €50,000. He promises to donate the cash to the Diego Maradona Tax Bill Fund in the hope of making the Argentina World Cup squad. Maradona thanks Milito, and asks him to win the MOM award another 700 times in order to pay back the whole debt. Diego adds that Milito is currently tenth in the striker pecking order behind Boca Juniors' Martin Palermo, Colon's Esteban Fuertes, River Plate's Ariel Ortega, and the 43-year-old Claudio Caniggia.

2) Rino Gattuso and Nelson Dida go fishing for the Italian’s new fish store. True to form, Dida fails to catch anything. The Beckhams treat themselves to food after the game. When asked what he would like, David replies: “What food do you serve here?”. Victoria orders half-a-sardine because she is “watching her weight”.

1) After the game Massimo Moratti feigns to shake hands with Silvio Berlusconi, and instead smashes a miniature Scudetto into his face from point-blank range, causing his botox to leap out of his wrinkles. Berlusconi’s loyal friend of 30 years Adriano Galliani enacts revenge by electrocuting Moratti Uncle Fester-style.